I've been spending most of my summer nights running through the quiet streets of our Northern California town, all while listening to Ellie Goulding's Lights. I tend to lose myself inside my own mind, feeling the wind shuffle me along the rocks and watching the sun disappear behind the hills.
It feels like pure freedom.
I consistently daydream during this chunk of time. Lately, the thoughts keep coming back to the same thing, my desire to get back to what feeds me which is to write fictional stories. For a long time that has been my passion..ever since I was a little girl. But at some point in my life I found myself frozen in the haze of the fear. It encompassed me like an unfriendly & treacherous fog, spreading its feelings of self doubt all around me. I would start stories and not finish them on paper once they were finished in my head or stop relating to the characters half way through. I have been afraid of rejection and succumbed to the fact that most likely my words would never be given the chance to leap off the pages and into someone else's head, so why even bother? It seems that it's truly hard to get your work published these days, which makes the goal of being an author feel unobtainable.
I don't know why this seed of negativity was planted, because normally that's just not my style. But with all of these thoughts dominating my head space and pulsating around, the solution has been getting louder and louder and I am no longer able to ignore it. I figure it's time for me to conquer the fear and reach towards a new goal. And if I am being honest with myself, what better way to spend the last year of my 20's?
However, bigger than all of these revelations, is the fact that I haven't felt this fire inside of me in a long time. And last night while putting on the same old, worn-out sneakers and tying up the loose hairs from around my face, I felt it...it was the same spark I felt before deciding to start this blog. That was not only encouraging but comforting because it felt familiar.
So here I go. A new story idea floating around in my head...pulling itself together, taking on its own form and feelings of vulnerability and using my hands and voice to tell it. I'm not sure what will come of it but no matter how it ends up I am just glad I get to share this process with all of you.
Have any of you ever been afraid to do what you love or am I the only oddball? Please join me in the fight to keep reaching for different goals and to keep dreaming..